Parenting a Neurodivergent Child Can Be Overwhelming! 

We all thought parenting was supposed to be easy. But parenting a neurodivergent child? What happens when all we want to do every. single. day. is to turn our backs on the ones we’re supposed to be taking care of–because we just. CAN’T. TAKE. it anymore?

First off, hugs! You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault! 

Key points: 

• Parenting a neurodivergent child is overwhelming. 
• Parents need to understand this: neurodivergent children are wired to be more easily triggered and take longer to calm down. 
• Caring for a neurodivergent person can take a toll on caregivers, so they need to take care of themselves too. 

Parenting a neurodivergent child can be overwhelming, and sometimes even push you to the end of your rope. The constant battle against uncontrollable behavior, the worry that things won’t change, along with the seemingly endless list of things to manage can be enough to drive anyone to exhaustion. It’s no surprise that many parents feel like they don’t have a single spare minute without needing to be vigilant about their child’s emotional state. 

If you are not a parent of a neurodivergent child, it can be hard to imagine how draining it can be. Many well-meaning parents might brush off the concerns of parents of a neurodivergent child by saying things like, “I know, my child also cries and throws tantrums.” (Now, this may be a topic for another day, but do you know that tantrums and meltdowns are two entirely different things?) This causes a lot of questions for parents of neurodivergent children: why can’t I manage when everyone else seems to be able to? What am I doing wrong? 

Neurotypical and Neurodivergent Children’s Response to Stress 

Now, parenting in itself is not all sunshine and roses. We all know that children in general are still learning how to regulate their emotions, so we’re not surprised when they have meltdowns. The problem perhaps lies in the fact that neurodivergent children have unique brain wirings that make emotional dysregulation happen more easily. This can be due to trauma or more complex responses to stress. 

Perhaps one good way to put it is this: neurotypical children do have off-days, so once in a while, you may have to step in and help them calm down from a meltdown. But most of the time, they can be fairly low-key. On the other hand, a neurodivergent child may be facing extreme stress in the day-to-day, making the everyday overwhelming for the child, resulting in more frequent meltdowns. The result? Parents need to be on the alert most hours of everyday! No wonder we feel exhausted! 

We understand that neurodivergent diagnoses fall under a very wide spectrum, and every child will still have different levels of stress responses. Some of the more known diagnoses include Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). 

These all come with their own set of symptoms that may or may not overlap. But one thing that neurodivergent children have that neurotypical children don’t is an overly reactive or sensitive response system in the brain. 

An Overly Sensitive Response System

As human beings, our brain is equipped with a response system designed to flare up at any sign of danger or threat. This turns on our fight-flight-freeze response, and uses a flood of emotions to move us to action. It overpowers our logical brain, just for the moment, for the purpose of survival. It’s actually a good thing, because when there’s danger, this helps us to act quickly. Once the danger is past, it reverts back into a relaxed state, and our logical brain takes over once again. 

But when this part of the brain is constantly hypersensitive, that means that it can be triggered much more easily, and then has trouble going back into its relaxed state. This is why neurodivergent individuals usually share about how easy it is to explode in a meltdown or spiral into high anxiety, and then it usually takes much longer to recover, at least compared to neurotypical persons.  

Imagine this scene with a neurodivergent child: Something triggers the fight-flight response, and the child goes into a meltdown. If the parents don’t know better, chances are, they would reprimand or discipline the child. But because he’s still in an emotional state, he can’t logically accept whatever is being said, and instead keeps fighting back, or shutting down, generally just becoming more out of control than ever. Frustrated parents may continue expressing anger at the child’s not being able to calm down, and this causes an endless cycle of anger, frustration, and overall emotional chaos. 

(And, on a side note, these triggers can be something that does not trigger a neurotypical child, so parents of neurotypical children can sometimes shake their heads and wonder if it’s a lack of parental discipline or self-control!) 

This is just one example of the difficulties of parenting a neurodivergent child, but it cannot be downplayed. The constant stress can take a toll on any caregiver of a neurodivergent person, and it’s crucial that they also get the support that they need. 

What Parents of a Neurodivergent Child Can Do 

So what can parents of neurodivergent children do? Here are some suggestions: 

1. Know that it’s not your fault.  

It’s very common for parents of neurodivergent children to feel like a failure. First, remember that it’s not your fault. When they have meltdowns, it’s not time to berate yourself for what you did or did not do; instead, understand that that’s their response to their environment. It’s not about you. 

2. Acknowledge your own feelings and emotions. 

Know that it’s OK to feel frustrated, angry, grieved, and all the wide range of emotions, relating to your neurodivergent child. These emotions are not a do-all-and-make-all of your relationship with your child. Just because you feel angry at times does not mean that you do not love your son/daughter.

Acknowledge your feelings, whether to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist, or even in your own journal. Getting these emotions out can help you manage things better.  

3. Learn self-regulation yourself. 

Sometimes, the challenge with regulating our children’s emotions is that we are not always emotionally stable ourselves. Yes, we’re not perfect, so sometimes, their emotional outburst can also trigger our own emotions. That’s why one of the most important things you can do to keep your sanity is to grow into your own emotional self-regulation. 

What helps you calm down when you’re upset? What can you do to manage your emotions at the peak of a difficult situation? 

4. Make time for self-care. 

We understand, it’s not easy to think about time for yourself when every single minute of everyday is needed to think of your neurodivergent child’s needs. But if you don’t take care of yourself, chances are, you’ll always be on hyper vigilant mode yourself and prone to snapping and reacting in anger. 

Our suggestion is to make self-care as doable as possible. It doesn’t have to be a half day out. If you can start with five minutes of deep breathing, or a five-minute outdoor walk, that’s already fine. If all you can do is read one poem while your child is screaming, so be it. Do whatever it takes to give yourself a little dose of beauty throughout the days of chaos. 

Parenting a Neurodivergent Child Is Hard 

Yes, parenting a neurodivergent child is definitely challenging, and we don’t want to be glib about it by offering quick solutions, because we know there aren’t any! Every child will have unique needs and different accommodations that work best for them, and it will be a  lifetime’s journey of discovery and trial and error. But we’re cheering for you!